I have so many memories from this day 7 years ago. But one I haven’t ever shared is a picture right after Evie’s birth. I always looked at these pictures in horror! I hated the way I looked. There are so many things I could point out that I don’t like. But I decided to put this first picture up and look at the actual beauty in this photo instead of all the flaws I had after enduring the worst pain I had ever experienced for 31 hours! You read that right! 31 hours! My labor was long and horrible and my story after ward isn’t very pleasant either. Unlike most mommy’s you hear about I wasn’t happy. I was miserable. I hated that for so long. I hated that I was miserable! Of course I loved her to pieces. But something just didn’t click. I couldn’t figure it out either because I was in the whirlwind of it all. I also didn’t have anything to compare my story with. So I just dealt with it.
You know in the movies when you watch the girl have her baby and when she see’s and holds her baby for the first time she cries and laughs and looks so happy! I imagined that would be me. Instead the only emotion I felt was numb, freaked out and scared for what was next. I remember hearing her cry while they were cleaning up and all I could think was “oh my gosh, I have to keep her alive forever. I can’t just put her back in for a night.” They brought her back to me and I remember thinking ” why am I not crying! Why don’t I feel anything right now!” It was so confusing.
Then the nurse said let’s try nursing! I thought sure let’s do it! That’s what they all do and I’m sure it can’t be that hard. I watched the nurse put her finger in Evie’s mouth to try and get her to suck. She said “Oh! she has no sucking skills.” I didn’t even know what that mean’t. I do now! IT. WAS. SO. HARD!!! For the first 4 weeks it would take Evie 30 minutes (at least) to latch. It was painful too! By the time she would finally latch we would both be sweating and in tears. Bless who ever invented the nipple shield. It only came 4 weeks to late! haha
Her sleep pattern during that last month of my pregnancy was sleep all day play all night. I never put two and two together. So she was born at 10:02am and boy did she sleep ALL day long! I loved it because I was finally out of most my pain and I could just sit and relax. Then 1am came around and she was wide awake and I was drained. I needed sleep so bad but now this little baby was crying because she was hungry and I couldn’t get her to nurse. Every time I got her to sleep I would think YAY!!!! I did it! Lets lay her down in her bed (because that’s the rules and Im a rule follower) the second I laid her down she would wake right back up screaming!!!! WHAT!!! This is not supposed to happen. I think she’s broken! Let’s try this again…. Friends, she did this little number for 6 WEEKS! Im not even being dramatic! She would wake up at 12-1am every night and would stay awake till 5, 6 or 7am! I HATED bed time. I had the worst anxiety every night.
Don’t even get me started on the fights Anderson and I would have in the middle of the night. He worked every day so I tried to do what I thought I was supposed to do and that was take care of the baby every night. I would look at him sleeping and the anger I felt was crazy!!!!! He would hear her cry and say let me help of course I wouldn’t let him because he needed to sleep and then we would fight about that or I would say you never help! Honestly, I just thought I could do everything better. Hahahah WHY!!! I tortured myself with that thought. Because he is an amazing dad! I just couldn’t let go of the control.
Its so crazy though because every night I thought I could give her away! I wish I could put the little monkey covering his eyes emoji right here because that sound terrible!!! I can’t believe I’m even posting this for the world to read. But I’m just being honest. I wanted to give her away during those brutal nights. Then we would wake up and I was OBSESSED with her again. Like the thought of giving her away was no where to be found… until the mom guilt crept in. “How on earth could you be upset with a tiny helpless baby! You are INSANE! You’re CRAZY! You’re the WORST mom ever. Those thoughts stung deep… for years! They still creep in. Im sharing my story because I now know I’m not the only one who has had a hard expirence as a first time mom or 6th time mom.
Being a mom is the best and worst/hardest thing I have ever done. It’s so crazy that those words can make so much sense in the same sentence.
Mama hood is real and its HARD! I think its time that we start sharing our stories. The good the bad and the ugly. Because when we share we can connect. When we connect we don’t feel alone. We don’t have to be alone in this.
