Today I would have been 19 weeks pregnant! That’s almost half way! The thoughts of what “what should/would/could have” are cutting deep today.
I should have a cute bump by now. I would be feeling our little angels movements by now. I would be almost half way. We would be finding out the gender of our little babe in 5 days. I would be planning a baby shower, getting baby things and making arrangements for his/her big arrival! I would have continued to listen to my birthing books. I would be feeling so excited to meet our baby.
Instead… I’m 3 weeks postpartum. I’m watching my belly get soft and shrink smaller each day. Most of my physical symptoms are gone. But we’re left with broken hearts. (Yes even after 3 weeks!) I’m watching my friends who I was pregnant with get further in their pregnancy. I’m wondering how those kicks would feel. I’m missing out on the planning. I’m avoiding all things pregnancy because the sting is just to sharp. My mind never stops thinking of what should have been. In my dreams I am sobbing! Like the ugliest cry you could imagine. My heart throbs every time I remember “I lost my baby.” Because losing a baby is the most heart wrenching thing I’ve ever experienced.
Today has been hard. 3 weeks ago today we met our sleeping baby. We had to say hello and goodbye at the same time. I went through more pain physically and emotionally then I was ever ready for. I have been thinking of the short time we held you. All of your perfect features. The details I haven’t spoken much about. You are absolutely perfect.
Today I would have been 19 weeks. You would be 6 inches long about the size of a mango. Instead we are empty handed longing for you.
