I had a miscarriage. I lost my baby. I have an angel in heaven. I’m not pregnant anymore. I lost a child. ?
Omgosh! Every time any of those words come to my mind or out of my mouth I actually gasp for air. My heart actually hurts. I have to catch my breath before my throat tightens up. If I don’t say it maybe it isn’t real. When I say it, or worse rewatch Instagram stories of me saying it my heart breaks even more. It’s shocking to say and to hear those words. I get it when people can’t say the actual words. I get it now. And when someone else says those words to me it hurts even worse. It’s like they think I don’t know what happened to me and they are rubbing it in deeper then before. (I know that’s not their intentions. That’s just how it feels.)
I had a miscarriage. ?
It hurts like I NEVER could have imagined. It doesn’t feel real. It sounds pretend. This kind of stuff doesn’t happen to me. Wake me up when this nightmare is OVER!
“You’ll get your rainbow baby.” ?WHAT!!! Rainbow what?!!? I’ve heard this so many times before but never actually knew the feelings behind it. It’s like I’m hiding behind a brick wall and on the other side is my reality. If i don’t look it’s not there right?
My next baby, if I ever have one…. will be my rainbow baby. I can’t even grasp that sentence. Because then this is all real. That means I really actually lost a real human life. My baby!
I can’t even put into words the feelings I’m having because they are SO BIG. Words don’t even come close to the confusion and denial I’m in.
Something really confusing I’m realizing is this. If someone doesn’t say anything to me about what’s been going on I feel like they don’t care. Like they think I’m “good” like I’m over it and moving on. Like it’s not that big of a deal. It hurts!!!! But if someone brings it up I instantly don’t want to talk about it because I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to hear the comments or questions that I don’t have answers for. Or if I do have answers, I usually don’t want to go there.
So basically no matter what it’s a lose lose situation. Because I have already lost. I’ve lost what I was supposed to have.
None of this makes sense right now and that’s how it feels living my life these days. NOTHING makes sense when it comes to our baby being gone. It’s all confusing and it all sucks.
I need to add that I am sooo beyond lucky and blessed to have Anderson and Evie. They are my life. They’re my everything. These big feelings I’m having do not reflect on them. Even though I feel empty and heart broken they keep me together. They are the reason I’m here doing this life. They are why I wake up everyday. I love my little family and I’m so grateful to have Anderson by my side everyday and we are so lucky to have a healthy beautiful daughter that smiles her way through life. We are all blessed to have our angel watching over us and protecting us each day.
????
